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Why I Want a Wife by
Judy Syfers (1971)
(Editors Note: This classic piece of feminist humor appeared in the
premier issue of Ms. Magazine and was widely circulated in the
women's movement.)
I belong
to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife.
And, not
altogether incidentally, I am a mother. Not too long ago a male friend
of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one
child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another
wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly
occurred to me that I too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want
a wife?
I would
like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent,
support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me. I
want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going
to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife
a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments.
And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children
eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's
clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturing
attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure
that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them
to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children
when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children
need special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school.
My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It
may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess
I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and
pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.
I want a
wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will
keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife
who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean,
ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that
my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find
what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals,
a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus,
do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals,serve them pleasantly,
and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife
who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and
loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family
takes a vacation so that someone can continue care for me and my when
I need a rest and change of scene. I want a wife who will not bother
me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife
who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult
point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a wife
who will type my papers for me when I have written them.
I want a
wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my
wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who take care
of the baby-sitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that
I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house
clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends,
and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my
friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are
fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children
do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my quests
so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray,
that they are passed the hors d'oeuvres, that they are offered a second
helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when
necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And
I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.
I want a
wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately
and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am
satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual
attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes
the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want
more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to
me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with
jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs
may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after
all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.
If, by chance,
I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already
have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another
one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take
the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left
free.
When I am
through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working
and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely
take care of a wife's duties.
My God,
who wouldn't want a wife?
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